When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
