I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Semen is not good for contacts.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
