All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
