apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
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Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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