I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
