your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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