im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Randomize
