Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
