Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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