Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
