after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I need to calm my uterus...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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