I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
