The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
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Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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