It was confusing and full of hummus
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
