I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
