When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
