I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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