The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
