Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
