I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
