He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
