i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This house was built for laser tag.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize