Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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