I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
