Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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