i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You are the jesus of drinking
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
