I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
