why do cheetos always look like penises
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
