He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
