brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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