I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
