nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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