What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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