some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
