Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just threw up on my dentist
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
