Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
