I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
