Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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