sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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