They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Congratulations! We have a period
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
