my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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