The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
