i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
