Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
