my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Randomize
