did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
