My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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