in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
and she was petting her beer can
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
