the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize