and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
