Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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