they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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