My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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