I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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