he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
