Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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