don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
