i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
