i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
