If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
